I am at the 15 minute mark. I have to stop here or, you know, suicide. See you tomorrow!
Turns out Ashton Kutcher’s dad Kevin Kline stole his hip non-American girlfriend and then Ashton Kutcher punched Kevin Kline and the feeling was pleasant for neither Ashton Kutcher NOR Kevin Kline!
And then Kevin Kline called cunnilingus “eating kitty” and offered to give son Ashton Kutcher pointers and every woman on earth died and had to be replaced by contestants from “Ru Paul’s Drag Race” because UGH.
English girl dating Ashton Kutcher: “How do you do?”
Totally unhip friend of Natalie Portman: “How do I WHAT?!”
Does anyone else feel that any “haha everyone thinks we’re gay together and none of the following jokes will be homophobic at all because WE ARE TOTALLY COMFORTABLE WITH IT” jokes are coming? Because I could fucking swear that Natalie Portman has as Oscar.
As if we needed any more awesome characters in this move, this is The Guy With Two Gay Dads Who Is Super Straight Though because how very 2012.
Natalie Portman: “I know we haven’t seen each other for a while, but do you want to go somewhere with me?”
Ashton Kutcher: “Where?”
Natalie Portman: “It’s just a dumb thing.”
Ashton Kutcher: “Derrrr…okay!”
Natalie Portman: “Haha I made you go to a FUNERAL because I am QUIRKY!”
Ashton Kutcher: “Derrr….I’ve never known a girl like you derrrr!”